| How
often do you make these mistakes that upset co-workers, customers,
friends and family?
1. Reacting
defensively: Not taking time to think about what the other
person is saying,gives others the power over how you respond and
behave.
2. Avoidance:
Placating behavior often has the effect of escalating feelings instead
ofbeingcalming or apologetic.
3. Inappropriate
Volume: An overly soft voice used with an upset or excited
person or anoverly loud voice used with a subdued person can make
it seem as though you don’t understand them.
4. Confusing
understanding with agreement: When you listen for the purpose
of deciding if you agree or disagree, you lose the ability to seek
understanding. Understanding must supersede agreement.
5. Behavioral
mismatch: Your verbal and non-verbal behaviors need to
be congruent for other people to trust that you mean what you say.
6. Listening
without a purpose: Listening is a very active skill. Before
you engage with someone, plan what it is you want to gain from the
interaction.
7. Not
separating the forest from the trees: Do not get sidetracked
by insignificant details without understanding the core issues.
8. Insufficient
reflection: Letting others know you have heard both their
emotional and verbal content reassures them and increases trust.
9. Focusing
on disagreement: when you start with points of agreement,
you balance theinteraction and show where and how you agree as well
as disagree.
10.
The “but” word: Merely substituting the word
“and” for “but” may increase others’
willingness to engage in dialogue with you. “And” is
connective whereas “but” is divisive.
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